6 minute read
Are you looking for things to help you recover from narcissistic abuse? This article shares with you wisdom from Kim Nelson on what she learnt helped her with healing.
By Kim Nelson
I want to share with you lessons I’ve learnt about the healing process after your battle with a narcissist or energy vampire type.
The journey is different for everyone, but recovery is possible.
Firstly, know this.
IT WAS NOT YOU. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
In fact, you did everything right, over, and over again. But because you are good people you probably think you must have failed somewhere along the line.
You did not.
They failed you.
And they failed themselves.
You may be torturing yourself morning, noon and night, thinking what could I have done differently? What could I have said differently?
The bottom line is absolutely nothing.
You cannot win with a narc because they play by their rules. They lie, and steal, and cheat, and they blame you for it, which is why you think you must have done something wrong.
But enough about them.
This is about you and your journey.
This is where you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and fight another day.
Here are the lessons I’ve learnt in my healing journey, that I share in the hope they will help you on yours.
1. Look within
You must look within yourself, deep in the core, and commit to fixing whatever it is that you find there.
Not just the wounds given to you by the narc, but also those that were there beforehand. This is about childhood wounds such as abandonment, rejection, abuse, or whatever needs re-examining or was never addressed in the first place.
This is where you get to rebuild yourself to a stronger and more secure being.
Yes, it seems like a hard and long journey, and it is definitely painful, but where it will take you will be so rewarding.
You will get to see just how strong you have always been. How resilient, how kind, how compassionate and how patient. And how despite all the narcissist put you through, you never lost these qualities.
You will be stronger and wiser for this knowledge, and it will help you heal.
2. Raise your awareness
I know from experience that it is very difficult to know what you are suffering from until you get away from it. This is when the reality usually hits you the hardest.
Start reading up on narcissistic abuse. Educate yourself. Learn about what has happened and is happening to you. This will help you heal.
3. Find your people
You’ll want to reach out for support from family and friends. Sadly, you may come up against some ignorance from those who have been blessed with narc free lives. Not all those you turn to will get it, and you may not get what you need from them.
But you do need to get what you need. Be smart about what you share and with who. Join support groups with others who have experienced similar stories. If you can, get a good counsellor/therapist and let it all out.
As you heal, be good and supportive to others that also need guidance. Good will come from this. Not just for them as you help them through the same process you’ve experienced, but also for you. Use your contribution to helping others as fuel to never give up on your own journey.
As you go through this period of transformation, you will start to see life in a different way. You will become clearer about who you want and don’t want in your life.
This is all part of the process. Life ebbs and flows. It has its peaks and troughs.
What is meant to stay will. I see it like a caterpillar preparing to become a butterfly. The change is necessary.
4. Protect yourself
At some point, you will want to confront the narcissist, and tell them exactly what they did to you.
Don’t do it.
This will just make them feel smug about the “power” they have over you.
If you tell them you are sorry for the things you did, they will love that, and you will kick yourself for doing so.
If you tell them you forgive them, they will deny any wrong doing.
There is no closure, no resolution with a narc. Only more pain.
If you can, it is best to just go No Contact.
No emails, no texts, no social media, no running commentaries from others about what they are up to, and no kind of keeping tabs on them at all.
5. Resist the urge to contact the new supply
If they have a new supply, please don’t blame their new victim. They have been told lies as you were. The new supply will not be happy in the end, even if they appear that way now.
And the truth will out.
Take care of yourself instead.
6. Make self-care a priority
It’s a good idea not to shut yourself away all the time. Get out and do things.
Do that new thing you’ve always wanted to try. Buy yourself that dress. Take yourself to lunch and the movies. Learn something new. Make something new.
Exercise will help you work through things. I personally find walking an excellent way to focus and clear the mind, as well as getting some exercise in at the same time.
On the other hand, sometimes shutting yourself away will feel necessary. And that is fine too.
No process of recovery is wrong.
Try to keep it substance free though. Aside from relying on substances to get through this time actually making things harder for you in terms of healing, when your inhibitions are lowered, it also increases the chances of giving way to talking to the narcissist and them persuading you into things you really don’t want to do.
Just know this, there is no time limit for you to heal. Cry as much as you need to. Express your rage (appropriately). But do not get bitter. That is not you. Do not stoop to their level.
7. Remember to love yourself
So the journey will go something like you blaming yourself, shame for loving them, shame for “letting” them treat you the way they did, blaming them, highs and lows of crying and anger, grieving the loss of the person you thought they were, more crying, numbness, thinking you are “over it” then maybe going full circle again. But it will ease. It will end.
Don’t believe the narc. You ARE lovable. The problem is they cannot love anyone. They don’t even really like themselves. They are all about envy, hate, and destroying people.
They didn’t destroy you though. You got out.
You are stronger than you think, and you are good people.
You are worth so much more.
Love yourself as much as you can every day. Remind yourself of your great qualities because there are many.
You are all amazing, kind, strong and compassionate.
Let us stand together as survivors, and rise.
Kim Nelson is a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and shares her experience on the subject of narcissistic abuse recovery. She has experienced 2 years of abuse, and says ‘I can testify that you can, and will recover’. She believes that a therapist or counselling sessions help, as does going No Contact. Kim wants you to know that although the healing journey is painful, it is well worth it.