Stop feeling sorry for the narcissist now

9 minute read

Are you feeling sorry for the narcissist in your life? Do you excuse their behaviour because of this? Or perhaps you feel like you ‘ought’ to feel sorry for them?

My bet is that if you are a target of narcissistic abuse, at some point you have wrestled with these questions. If so, this article is for you.

If you are also busy researching about narcissism, you may have come across articles on why you should feel sorry for the narcissist.

How completely unhelpful and frankly absurd!

cutting the chords, stop feeling sorry for the narcissistThe major arguments for feeling sorry for the narcissist are:

  1. A cause of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is childhood abuse hence the narcissist is a victim
  2. NPD is an illness, therefore the narcissist cannot be held responsible for their symptoms
  3. The narcissist leads a stunted emotional life that no one would envy

Let’s check out the validity of these views, and why your care and compassion would be far better invested in yourself at this time. Feeling sorry for the perpetrator of your abuse, is only going to hold you back in setting yourself free.

Getting clear on why there is no excuse for narcissistic abuse will help you cut the ties that bind. Get your scissors out gorgeous one. No more feeling sorry for the narcissist, here’s why.

Devil’s advocate arguments: Feeling sorry for the narcissist

A)     NPD evolves from abuse

A popular argument for feeling sorry for the narcissist is that they are the way they are because they suffered abuse as children.

During childhood a series of developmental phases occur for healthy maturation. Successful progress through phases, hinges on the relationship with primary caregivers, which is in most instances, the mother.

Determining the health of the relationship relates to whether the child’s emotional and physical needs are adequately met by the mother. When they are not, developmental progress is impaired. NPD may be a potential outcome of this damage, amongst other possible outcomes.

In feeling sorry for the narcissist, the crux of the assertion lies in the disruption borne: the child was not adequately cared for, rather was neglected, rejected and/or abandoned by its mother.

This emotional and/or physical abuse stunts the growth of the individual leaving them scarred.

The narcissist as a child when vulnerable, helpless, and dependent on the care, love and attention of their mother was deeply betrayed.

The depth of this pain, through a cause beyond their control, is indeed a tragedy and places them fairly in the role of victim.

B)     Narcissists are ill, they cannot help what they do

NPD is classified as a type of mental illness, a personality disorder.

By definition mental illness refers to significant changes to thought, emotion and/or behaviour, which cause the individual distress and difficulties in daily life.

The case on this front, is that to hold an individual responsible for symptoms of illness is morally wrong as they cannot help being unwell. Consequently, two things follow:

  1. Since NPD is an illness, narcissists cannot help their cognitive and behavioural symptoms. So, narcissists should not be held responsible for their behaviours.

Because they do not choose to be unwell, nor to be wrought with these destructive symptoms, one should rightly feel sorry for those afflicted with the disorder. No one would elect to carry the burden of NPD, and those who have won the lottery on the NPD front are truly poor long-suffering creatures of misfortune.

  1. To hold NPD’d individuals responsible for their behaviours, as anything other than symptoms of an illness, is injurious and unfair for the narcissist.

Indeed some articles promote that to do so, is being discriminatory towards NPD and marginalising the narc for what they cannot help.

C)     The difficulties faced being a narcissist

Highly destructive relationships that for many extend to abuse (as you well know gorgeous one) are a hallmark of NPD.

At the malignant end of the narcissistic spectrum we’re talking possible psychological, emotional, sexual, and/or physical abuse.

The cycle of narcissistic abuse from idealise, devalue to discard, and need for constant supply precludes capacity for long term, meaningful, and intimate relationships.

The drive for power and control pursued through manipulation, coupled with an absence of compassion, and arguably thus love, shackles the narcissist in a lonely & unsatisfying existence. They will never feel the connection that others enjoy.

This lack of internal emotional richness and inability to truly belong, causes a deep emptiness.

This picture of the emotionally barren landscape is apparently reason to make you, and the angels weep for the poor narc.

On top of this internal wasteland and following on from the view that they are ill and can’t help what they do, we should further feel sorry for the narc because of the increasing bad press they are copping.

Circulation of knowledge informing the abused about NPD is maligning the unfortunate narcissist and exacerbating their loneliness even further.

feeling sorry for the narcissist's loneliness and emptiness

The pickle with these arguments

D)     On abuse

So here’s the thing.

The original narcissistic injury of significant childhood disruptions through emotional and/or physical abuse is not ok.

Abuse, in any form, at any age, for any person, is never ok.

That this happens to children who are entirely vulnerable and dependent on those who cause the damage, and are helpless in a situation where they have no control, is quite simply heartbreaking.

There are few (really only those with some Cluster B personality disorders…just saying…) who would not feel a deep aching compassion and sadness for those starved of motherly love.

Yet, this is a separate issue to whether you should ‘feel sorry for the narcissist’ now. Please do not conflate the ideas as they are being presented!

They are no longer the vulnerable, dependent, and helpless child.

They are now, grown adults who are perpetuating the cycle of abuse by inflicting it on you.

If in agreement that abuse is not ok for the narcissist, indeed, never ok under any circumstances, then this surely applies to the narcissist in their treatment of you right now.

Feeling sorry for the narcissist for what they sustained then, is completely understandable and the inevitable place an empath and compassionate person will go. Which is fine, so long as you can separate this from the fact of who they are now: a person who imposes on others the very same harm they experienced in the past.

The pain of then, is no excuse for the pain they willingly inflict on others now.

 E) On illness

Allow me to be quibbly for a moment…

Is the term, and therefore the concept of illness apt for NPD? And if it isn’t, doesn’t this argument crumble?

For illness to fit, the individual must experience distress as a result of their disorder.

This may well be the case for some who have a few narcissistic traits. For those who are diagnosable with NPD or at the higher end of the spectrum, particularly malignant narcissists, is this the case?

The anguish experienced is not felt by the ‘ill’ one, but rather by those that surround them.

How many individuals with NPD seek help to change their behaviours and alleviate ‘said distress’?

Hmmmm…..

The answer to this question is, the number of narcs who have:

  • Awareness and ownership of flaws
  • Willingness to change and improve these imperfections
  • Openness to constructive criticism
  • A modicum of humility

Uh-huh. Yep.

So, this is where using ‘illness’ as the grand forgiver of all evils fails.

Overriding ‘symptoms’ of the ‘illness’ are superiority, grandiosity and entitlement. Feeling beyond reproach, ‘better than’ all others, is simply not congruent with the concept of distress needed to meet the requirements of ‘illness’.

F)     On ‘being able to help it’

Oh the ludicrousness of the narcissist being helpless to control their behaviours because they are a victim of illness!

To be wiped clean of any responsibility of their behaviours, requires that they have no intentionality in how they treat others.

I’ve written on these topics in Proof the narcissist abuses you intentionally and they will never change – check it out.

Everything the narcissist does is designed to secure supply. To gain power and control over others and feed their belief that they are superior. Every. Thing. They. Do.

All the manipulating through gaslighting, isolating you, conducting intricate smear campaigns, triangulating you, threatening you and so on…

Do you really believe any of these happen outside the scope of their free will? That they truly couldn’t help it? In fact, in accordance with the definition of illness, that doing these things causes them distress?

Every single one of these acts is backed by awareness of what they are doing and the personal choice to make it happen. Cruelty is rarely accidental. And narcissistic abuse is always intentional.

Let me ask you this…

Remember the abuse the narcissist went through as a child?

How can it be that not all who have endured similar histories end up like the abusive narcissist? Indeed, why is it that some actively pursue a life of compassion and of helping others because of these very same hurts?

Because they made the choice, that’s why.

They give others the gift of care, because that is precisely what they intend on doing with the lessons they have learned in life.

Stop feeling sorry for the narcissist!

Let me be clear about my intention. My goal is not really about damning the narcissist, it is to support you realign any misguided good intentions that may be working against you. It’s about helping you de-fog your mind so you can reclaim your freedom.

At the outset, the probability of your being an empath or at the very least a super compassionate person was noted because of the high proportion targeted by narcissists.

If this is you, reclaiming your freedom can be hard won. You’re finding your way through a maze of such intricate complexity, including cutting the ties of trauma bonding, and the addiction to the relationship (read Why is it so hard to leave an abusive relationship with a narcissist? & Why narcissistic abuse and trauma bonding is so powerful for codependents for more on these topics).

And then there is the gorgeousness of who you are as an empath. Because of your innate capacity to care, empathise and have compassion for all beings, you may just be doing you in. Holding yourself back.

I have no doubt that you have felt sorry for the narcissist. Quite naturally. And that when they play the ‘poor me’ card to manipulate you it has been highly effective.

I’ll also wager that in waking and beginning to question the reality you are enduring, there is a ping pong championship from hell going on inside you with ‘but maybe I should feel sorry for the narc’ being the ball.

The quandary you face as an empath of stopping feeling sorry for the narcissist can be quite agonising. And a stumbling block in setting yourself free.

So, let’s make it simple.

Stop feeling sorry for the narcissist. There is no need to.

Instead, redirect all that care, empathy, and compassion back into you. There is a need there. You need you. So be there for you, set yourself free now.

have compassion for yourself instead

 

As always, please share your insights, tips and thoughts on ‘feeling sorry for the narcissist’. Sharing and encouraging others is so very necessary to help all of us on our journey of recovery – so thank you!

With gratitude,

Maggie x

bir4d

Bibliography

  • Hotchkiss, S. (2005). Key concepts in the theory and treatment of narcissistic phenomena. Clinical Social Work Journal, 33(2), 127-144.
  • Vitek, J.A. (2000). Aggression and differentiation of self in narcissistic subtypes (Doctoral dissertation). The Wright Institute Graduate School of Psychology. Retrieved from ProQuest Dissertations. (Order No. 9970787)
  • Zosky, D. M. (2001). The role of projective identification with domestically violent males (Doctoral dissertation). Loyola University Chicago. Retrieved from ProQuest Dissertations. (Order No. 3001640)

 

9 thoughts

  1. Thank you for this. I am learning every day, trying everyday to cut myself loose. Ever so often I fall back in the trap of feeling sorry for the narc. I’ve become codependent without even realising there was a term for this.Why is it so difficult to finally leave? But, I WILL leave, I am almost there.

    1. Dear Ann – it is a huge challenge you are tackling to break those trauma bonds, and overcome codependency. You can do it! The fact that you are on your learning journey is evidence that you are already well on your way. I have a few articles that may be helpful that touch on the very things you have raised. They are: Why is it so hard to leave and abusive relationship with a narcissist?, Why narcissistic abuse and trauma bonding is so powerful for codependents, and Emotionally unhook yourself & starve the narcissist of supply: Here’s how. You’ve got this Ann. Sending you light and love, Maggie x

  2. I’ve been in a relationship with a narc for almost 2 years now. I broke up with him in February, but because we live together and I couldn’t find an apartment (and had no money if I did), we ended up staying together. He never “came for me” – never asked what went wrong, never begged forgiveness, apologized or in any way acknowledged that something was wrong and that he was in any way responsible for my unhappiness. The two things he said were, “I don’t see that there’s a problem between us” and “It’s not my job to make you happy.” He never did anything, never changed anything. Since then, I’m noticing a pattern of “managing down expectations” and abuse through silence and ignoring. We can’t even have a normal conversation about the weather or the weekend. After reading more and more on narcissistic abuse, I am aware that I need to leave, but something stops me. What? What could possibly stop someone who knows they’re being abused DELIBERATELY and that there is no hope -NONE- for anything to EVER be any different? Guilt. You see, I am co-dependent – big time rescuer, fixer, you name it. I pay for almost everything. If I up and leave, he will be homeless within the month, hungry, won’t be able to see his children, will be without almost everything that I’ve provided for the last almost 2 years. I believe that “I’m not the kind of person who hurts other people like that.” But…but…he’s hurt me endlessly, crossed boundaries of basic respect, taken every gift and appropriated every resource available for himself, rarely expressing gratitude, rather, demonstrating an attitude of entitlement. I’ve saved his ass over and over all this time, and you’d think he would fall on his knees every day asking what he could do to make my life better, happier, whatever. Not bleeding likely. What if I save my money this month, take what little he gives me – not even half the rent – and absolutely GHOST before the next rent is due? Is that shitty? Yes. Is this my very LIFE? Yes, I’m beginning to believe it is…. And then there’s the fear. What will he do? Terror… But every day is another journey through anxiety that borders on panic. It’s like a hungry beast has chased me to the edge of a cliff and there’s nothing to do but leap. To fly? Or to fall? In any case, to rescue myself and clean up the mess, love myself, because there is no fixing him enough that he will ever be able to, make a new life. That’s NOT what love does (something I say all the time), but it sure as hell is what SELF-LOVE does. Question: Why am I not angry?

    1. Dear Kelleygurl116, I feel for you big time. The anguish. In my bones. It might help if you check out these articles: Why narcissistic abuse and trauma bonding is so powerful for codependents and Why is it so hard to leave and abusive relationship with a narcissist? If you would like to bounce ideas on bringing your self-love to life, email me at maggie@narcwise.com. We can brainstorm. When you say ‘Why am I not angry?’ what are you referring to? Do you mean you feel no anger towards this person or about the relationship? Thinking of you, Maggie x

      1. When I say, “Why am I not angry?” I mean, why am I not angry at how I’ve been treated? Why not rage? Why do I continue to feel compassion, pity, responsibility – although not love. Not anymore.

        I have decided, although terrified by the uncertainty, to leave. I’ve already moved out the things that won’t be missed, and I’m going to take my clothes and a few personal belongings and GHOST. Most of the stuff at the apartment reminds me of him, and they’re only THINGS. Even though I have nowhere to go right now, I trust myself enough to know that I will find a place, even if it means going deeper into debt. I’m leaving within the week with the help of my best friend, who despises him and who has been my rock through all of this. I’ve already blocked him from email, and when I go, I will end his gym membership (which I pay for), separate his phone account from mine and get a new number, and block him on Social media. Warn all my close friends and distance from the rest so that there are no “flying monkeys”.

        I don’t know what’s going to happen and that is frightening. Do you believe in the existence of a “higher power” that watches over fools like me? Although I know it’s an illusion, many times I feel very much alone in all of this. I am grateful for the information and compassion you’ve shared. Thank you….

        And I will take you up on the email once I’m away – my self-love is in tatters.

      2. Dear Kelleygurl116, I thought that might be what you meant when you asked that question. I suspect the answer is because that is who you are: a gorgeously compassionate, open & kind hearted person. An empath. Can you generally see the hurt behind the ugliness that people do? I suspect yes. Question is though is there really hurt behind the ugliness you are receiving from this person? And even if there is, does it excuse the abuse? Because you are leaving, it would seem you do already know that it doesn’t excuse it, so that’s a huge positive.
        I wonder though whether you could take all that natural compassion you focus outward naturally, and refocus inwardly for a while. You need you. This will be the beginning of rebuilding self-love. And answering things like why don’t I feel rage might be answered with ‘because this is who I am, and I am beautiful’ – alternatively, it might also bring on the rage. Either way, these are both super positive, because what matters most, you, is once more being cared for and acknowledged with compassion. Both reactions are evidence of you knowing your worth and feeling self-love.
        In answer to your question. Yes. Unequivocally yes, I do believe in a higher power that watches over us. I know the feeling of aloneness and rebuilding from nothing. And that higher power held my hand on the journey, without a doubt. Dear Kelleygurl116 that trusting yourself to get through this, no matter what, that is your higher power. Your strength, your grace, your beauty is also your higher power. You’ve got this. You sound like a force to me. Step aside world because you are coming to claim what’s rightfully yours. Freedom & joy, and whatever else your heart desires. Light & love to you. Maggie x

  3. Thank you so much for your kind words and support! I DO see the hurt behind hurtful behavior in others. Normal people don’t hurt others unless they’re in excruciating pain. Do I have to be responsible for it? No. I have to be safe from it. Right now, whatever isn’t for my highest good, or that takes away from my healing and recovery is being shelved, hopefully politely and compassionately. My friends understand and are helping.

    So – update. Today is day 5 of No Contact. I ended up ghosting on July 1, in a panic, with the help of my best friend and her boyfriend. I was terrified that he would come home in the middle of it and make a scene. He didn’t. I didn’t leave a note. My absence was the last word.

    I blocked him (and his friends and family) )on every available platform – text, calls, social media, etc., and had a private PO Box in place the same day I left. I took my personal belongings and clothes and not much else, but did take all the cash he had in the house, about $300. The following day, I separated his phone account from mine. He has til the 12th to figure out how to pay it going forward. I also ended his gym membership. The day after that (Tuesday), I messaged the landlord that I had moved out, for reasons of “personal safety” and that as far as I knew, the narc would be keeping the apartment. His response was so loving and kind and I am endlessly grateful to him for that.

    Since I’ve been gone, nearly broke, homeless in middle age, I’ve been managing the feelings of anxiety that arise periodically. Amazingly, there hasn’t been any emotional BS around him, only fear and anxiety. This comes up at odd times – when the usual afternoon text used to come, or when I go into a store, or worry that he may show up randomly where I am, although I’ve done everything possible to prevent that – excluding the chaos factor – and I WILL NOT go anywhere he potentially might be. I’m working on eliminating these mental bad habits (since I’ve taken every step possible to be safe, fear is an illusion) and remembering what used to give me joy. At some point in all of this, I got past the guilt of ghosting and leaving him with nothing but ashes. What’s more important to me is that I was true to my word TO MYSELF. Once I made the decision, no matter the panic or guilt or grief, I BURNED IT TO THE GROUND. I provided him with a better life than any he’d had before and he befouled it rather than learning how to maintain it. I took his money, but it was a drop in the bucket to what I’d laid out on his behalf over the last year and a half. The guilt, believe it or not, was actually helpful in the context of making certain that I COULDN’T go back.

    I know he’s going to smear me to “Ms. Next” and anyone else who will listen, but I don’t concern myself with that. In true kelleygurl fashion, it’s as important as I SAY it is.

    The next step is to get a new place to live, far away from him and close to my family and those that love me. A nest, a safe haven, where I can finally fall apart and put myself back together in the arms of my higher power, who loves me unconditionally and who will hold me and guide me every step of the way.

    Thank you, peace and blessings to you!

    1. Dear Kelleygurl116, Wow. Like I said, you are a force. Without a doubt. You are one mighty, and vividly alive woman. CONGRATULATIONS and the most massive well done to you Kelleygurl116. What you have brought into being, specifically your physical, mental and emotional freedom, is wonderful and so exciting. At some point in this part of your journey, I hope you take the time to feel pride in what the transformation you are making happen in your life.
      I can’t thank you enough for sharing your story with us all. You will for sure not only inspire me, but all others who read this.
      I’m introducing a section on the site for others to start contributing articles/stories. I would love for you to write one for Narc Wise. If you are interested, later on, whenever, let me know (email me at maggie@narcwise.com). Once again, CONGRATULATIONS! Take care of your gorgeous self, Maggie x

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