Narc Wise is about getting some balanced narcissism happening in your life. Growing healthy self-love and inoculating yourself from abusive narcissists on your journey to finding freedom & joy.
The key areas of interest on this mission are learning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and any personal patterns which may be hindering getting to where you want to be.
In working with people in similar circumstances, and through my own stories, I’ve noticed that often those who have experienced multiple relationships with abusive narcissists have a distinct set of traits commonly bundled together under the label of ‘codependency’. This concept is therefore integral to the Narc Wise mission.
Let’s check out the “meaning” of codependency, with a sneak peek at its relevance with respect to NPD. I’ll start with the academic stuff, and end with the real stuff: what it feels like.
Definitions, classifications, labels…we must find a one size fits all box for it to be legit!
Research on codependency underscores at every turn the lack of consensus on the helpfulness of such a concept. Arguments on this front hail from various disciplines and cover points ranging from lack of agreement on concept/construct definition; to lack of reliability and validity of construct; to the inherent sexist nature of pathologizing seemingly female traits; to the problematic nature of classifying interpersonal behaviours as a disorder etc. (Anderson, 1994; Lindley, Giordano & Hammer, 1999).
Detailing codependency as an addiction, disease or personality disorder as stated, depends on the theorist. Some of the definitions put forward include:
- Suffering which results from focusing on the needs, emotions, and behaviours of others (Farmer, 1999)
- A disease of lost self-hood (Whitfield, 1991)
- “A pattern of behaviour of painful dependence on compulsive behaviours and approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth, and identity” (Anderson, 1994, p.678)
- “Continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control feelings and behaviours, whether in oneself or others, in the face of adverse circumstances” (Stafford, p.274)
- Compulsive behaviours consistent with the belief that one can control the behaviours of others through force of will (Morgan, 1991)
Pinpointing the guts of codependency becomes a more elusive goal when you check out the myriad characteristics that describe the codependent. A brief snapshot of the more commonly cited includes:
- Low self-esteem, self-confidence and sense of worth
- Depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse, hypervigilance, PTSD
- Constriction/repression of emotions
- Inability to identify/communicate own needs
- Poor/weak boundaries
- Enmeshment in familiar relationships throughout adulthood to those experienced in family of origin (e.g: with substance dependent individuals, or personality disordered etc.)
- Focus on meeting others’ needs to the exclusion of meeting one’s own
- Fear of abandonment
- Overinvolved in the lives of others
- Enabling maladaptive behaviours of others
- Intense need for approval and acceptance
- Poor capacity for self-care
- Overly willing to accept blame and responsibility for others
(Anderson, 1994; Beattie, 1992; Irwin, 1995; Morgan, 1991; Lindley, Giordano & Hammer, 1999; Stafford, 2001)
Another key argument for the weakness of the concept is that many of these traits are present in the majority of us, to a greater or lesser degree, hence we are also seeking to pathologize ordinary aspects of personality and the everyday consequences of the ups and downs of any relationship (Anderson, 1994). Whilst true to a certain extent the same is also relevant for narcissism. Disorder occurs when a persistent pattern of behaviours and traits impairs the daily functioning of an individual. Pretty sure that we can agree that those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are impaired (and particularly gifted at impairing others!) providing (in part) justification for its classification as a disorder.
Why is it so difficult for the same logic to be applied to codependency? With enough amplification of any trait, impairment ensues.
Whilst academically the concept is fraught and somewhat outdated, I can’t help but ask myself, so what? Here’s why…
The real meaning
Give it any label you like. A person who identifies with the pain arising from codependency played out in all areas of life, including multiple unhealthy relationships often with abusive narcissists, will tell you: I don’t care. I don’t need it to fit into theoretical frameworks, or classification manuals for mental health disorders, or for it to be recognised by the gods of psychiatry or psychology. What I need is to find my way to a happier, healthier life.
Check out those common traits and characteristics again. Maybe it’s a mish-mash, but some of us feel a little mish-mashed, and it goes something like this.
For the codependent, feeling lost and empty, a person shaped receptacle to be moulded by the needs and whims of others, is a function of having forsaken our true selves, our very identities. We give and give, to fill that aching void.
Denial is fundamental to ignoring the fact that we have been betraying ourselves, our needs, for the longest time. This causes a deep sense of shame. It also breeds frustration, anger and resentment when meeting the needs of others forsaking our own.
These are all emotions we have become adept at denying. In fact, our capacity to fully allow the range of positive and negative emotions is stunted. Identifying, owning, or expressing our emotions is at the core of who we are, and yet we are disloyal to our deepest selves, endlessly seeking external validation, acceptance, and love.
All of this becomes terribly muddled. The void within, and discordant emotions which try so hard to be heard, are confused within us. We believe we are at the mercy of the behaviours and actions of others, and for the codependent, these in truth do determine our inner landscape so very much. So, we equate the pain within as being caused by those who surround us. To quieten this, we falsely seek to find peace by controlling the behaviours of others.
Oh the loneliness of it!
Enter the Narcissist, the insatiable taker seeking the insatiable giver. The combination is perversely perfect. Almost divinely so. Must be the devil at play with one wicked sense of sick humour.
So, the meaning of the concept of codependency doesn’t lie in any kind of official recognition that it ‘is a thing’, it lies in our recognition of ourselves. This recognition, albeit a bit ugly at the outset, also holds a promise of beauty.
Identifying with these clusters of characteristics that are apparent in others who have borne similar struggles is strangely comforting when we have lost touch with our true selves. “It’s not just me!” Such a reassuring discovery! As are the realisations that there are reasons for codependency, as well as pathways out of the lonely hell where our gorgeous true selves are waiting impatiently for us.
For the codependent enmeshed with an abusive narcissist, walking this journey is so very critical to getting narc wise. When the void is full up with internal validation; and a strong, clear sense of self and balanced narcissism takes residence, healthy giving and taking in relationships becomes the status quo.
The devil loses out, ha! The abusive narc won’t be chasing this rock solid sense of self, it’s too damned hard to manipulate. You will also be repelled by what’s on offer knowing your worth is so much greater than the narc can ever appreciate, and that your precious and valid needs will never be met. The pattern is broken.
Coming articles on this will look at causes of codependency; the links between narcissism and codependency; and practical tools on breaking free of codependent behaviours.
I’d love to hear from those who are happy to share in the comments section, their meaning of codependency, and how this has possibly played a role in their finding an over-abundance of abusive narcissists in their lives.
I’d also would love to hear how you have broken free – any words shared will be received with gratitude by me as well as no doubt those struggling to find meaning in their journeys, so please do leave your valuable comments.
Anderson, S. (1994). A critical analysis of the concept of codependency. Social Work, 39(6), pp.667-685.
Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent no more. Minnesota, US: Hazelden.
Farmer, S.A. (1999). Entitlement in codependency. Journal of Addictive Diseases, 18(3), pp.55-68.
Irwin, H.J. (1995). Codependence, narcissism, and childhood trauma. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 51(5), pp.658-665.
Lindley, N.R, Giordano, P.J., & Hammer, E.D. (1999). Codependency: Predictors and psychometric issues. Journal of clinical psychology, 55(1), pp.59-64.
Morgan, J.P. (1991). What is codependency? Journal of Clinical Psychology, 47(5), pp.720-729.
Stafford, L.L. (2001). Is codependency a meaningful concept? Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 22(3), pp.273-286.
Whitfield, C.L. (1991). Codependence: Healing the human condition. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.