Dear gorgeous ones…
Welcome to Narc Wise!
The purpose of this site is to help you recover from narcissistic abuse and/or codependency by growing your self-love.
Finding your way to reclaim your freedom & joy is yours for the taking. I believe in you. You’ve got this.
You are a survivor. This alone is evidence, that whatever you choose to do with your life, you can make it happen.
Time for your flourishing gorgeous one.
My plan is to be your cheerleader on your journey. The site shares wisdom, lessons learned, and practical tips to support you in healing your wounds and reconnecting to your truest self so that your very best life is how you roll on a day to day basis.
A bit about what brought Narc Wise to life and the term ‘abusive narcissist’
Bullying has always struck a nerve with me for as long as I can remember.
The problem is rife and something must be done. I believe that this starts with individual empowerment.
It’s time to say no to the bully, and yes to ourselves.
Over the course of my lifelong mission, I’ve come to learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and other Cluster B Personality Disorders…and well, this is where I see most bullies sitting.
And so, this is how Narc Wise came about.
You’ll notice I’ve used the term bully above, but the site focus is narcissism. And the term I’ve adopted throughout Narc Wise articles is ‘abusive narcissist’.
Why?
Because to my mind, the terms ‘bully’ and ‘narcissism’ and many others used commonly now (e.g.: psychopaths, sociopaths, malignant narcissists) are fairly interchangeable.
Because of the cross-over of traits, there is some confusion around criteria that differentiates disorders.
As a result, none of the above terms are currently within the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the DSM-V) but refer instead to Anti-Social Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
When the terms were included in the DSM, the overlapping traits of the disorders included lack of fear and empathy; shallow emotional range and depth; manipulative, grandiose, charming, callousness, lack of responsibility, exploitative and impulsive.
So, to simplify things, Narc Wise uses the term ‘abusive narcissist’.
When referring to a disorder within the DSM, the correct term will be used.
A bit about me…
I’m a qualified strengths-focused coach, using methodology centred in positive psychology, and have a Master in psychology.
I’ve worked with people to overcome challenges in domestic violence, homelessness, substance abuse, codependency and narcissistic abuse using coaching frameworks.
My passion is to help people reignite self-love and self-belief by recapturing or perhaps even discovering for the first time the magic that is within them.
Like countless others, I’ve also experienced the damage of narcissistic abuse. I know first-hand the disabling effect of the fog that can take over, and how important clearing this is to reclaiming freedom & joy.
Knowing this, I aim to write straight-talking articles to cut through the all the manipulations and lies you’ve been fed, and to provide practical solutions to kick start your recovery journey.
Finally, I believe so strongly in the power of community, and of shared voices speaking their truths to learn and heal together.
Silence is a killer. Find your voice and share your story for yourself, and for others by getting involved in the Narc Wise community!
With gratitude,
Maggie x
I am stuck with my narcissistic abuser for a little while longer as I get my finances together to leave with our 4 kids. We have been married for 20 years and while I knew something was always “not quite right” only recently discovered it was actually abuse that I have been enduring for the better part of my life. I am struggling with how to maintain a facade of marriage with one foot out the door and I am a little terrified about what leaving may trigger in my abuser. Discovering my co-dependence and his abuse has been a punch to the gut and liberating all at the same time. I just don’t know how to get through the next 2 months or so…or what exactly to tell my kids. I appreciate your website and hope to find answers.
Dear Trying to get out. You’ve got this. Truly. It sounds like you have a plan, and are taking steps to take care of you and your kids. This is HUGE.
I imagine it would be difficult staying whilst knowing that you are leaving without your plan being detected. Similarly, the challenge with your children is a real one. Is there any possibility of seeking support nearby to discuss these issues – it may be really helpful? You could seek advice on local support mechanisms from calling your national domestic violence hotline. With their help you could also explore safety plans around your concerns of what might be triggered when you leave, which is equally important.
I hear you. When the veil lifts and clarity strikes in relation to our internal stuff and the reality of abuse, it is overwhelming (to say the least) and simultaneously validating enabling change. I’m cheering for you. You are on the cusp of all you yearn for coming to life. Sending you buckets of light, love & strength as you stride towards your freedom. Maggie x
Dear Trying to get out. Your story sounds so much like mine. I have been married for 19 years, and we also have 4 children. I’ve recently discovered that my SO is a narcissist–specifically, a covert, passive-aggressive narcissist. Did you get away? Are your children all okay? I’m so scared to leave, but I know it will be for the best for me and my kids. I’m wishing you the very best.
I have been married for 14 years and also felt all along that something wasn’t quite right but, was never able to pinpoint it. After recently going through a horrible couple years with my narc husband I was finally able to discover what was going on and have grown so much by learning about Narcissism.
We have 4 children ages 4,6,8 and 9. My husband seems to get the majority of his supply by controling me to some extent but mostly maintaining his belief that he is a wonderful and giving perso and the perfect husband and father. I see now that the things he does are not really for other people and that he has no genuine care or concern for others. I feel that in some ways this makes things easier on me because at least on the surface things are ok.
It is true that I am constantly invalidated, made to believe that I have no value except for what I do to maintain the house and to care for the children. He has told me that he can’t think of any positive characteristics about me, he has told me that the reason why he can’t connect with me at all is because he is intellectually superior to me, and that there is some unidentified fundamental thing wrong with me that justifies to him that my needs are not important and that everything is my fault….and of course if I ask about these things later he denies ever having said any of it…So I know that it’s not good for me to stay in this relationship but at the same time I feel like it’s best for the kids if we stay together for now.
I don’t want to be a part time parent. Also I do feel like he is great with the kids for now. I do fear that in the future he will devalue and invalidate then, but for now things are pretty good and the kids adore him. I don’t want to destroy our “happy family” as far as how the kids perceive things. I also want to stay in place as a buffer to minimize the damage he inflicts on the kids should things change as the kids get a bit older. Also my husband makes a very good income and if I were to leave him, my only work experience is basically as a waitress years ago. I feel like I would never see my kids in between the time they would spend with him and then having to work and go to school. Is it just better to endure the abuse sometimes?
I feel trapped between wanting to do what seems best for the kids (staying) and having respect for myself by leaving.
Dear Holly. I don’t advocate for enduring abuse. However, only you know what the right thing to do for you is & the specifics of your situation and those of your children. Can you reach out to someone locally who is appropriately qualified, and has experience in family dysfunction; domestic violence; and Cluster B personality disorders? Tapping into someone who can brainstorm ways of you putting yourself & and your children first might be a good idea. Sending you light, love, strength & courage. Maggie x
I genuinely appreciate this site and have shared its’ content. As a fellow healing voice who has undergone and continues to live in the aftermath of narcissist abuse (smear campaigning and harassment) I hope to encourage others to find their rhythm in the midst of the turbulence caused by bullies. There will be an end to the rampage. As a straight, Christian, woman of color I have seen the ugliest of qualities in bullies. They target any point for attack but we can be just as relentless in hope and measures to defend our boundaries and rights.
Dear Change Agent. What glorious words of strength, courage & inspiration – thank you for sharing. I would love to share more of your wisdom on narcwise.com about what you have learnt & how collectively, we can be relentless in hope & in defending our boundaries & rights. If you might consider writing and sharing your wisdom on narcwise.com, please contact me at maggie@narcwise.com and I will send you more information. Your voice is strong, it must be heard! Light & love to you gorgeous one & fellow warrior. Maggie x
narcwisemaggie you are a truly amazing person for making this website and sharing your wisdom .thank you
Dear Maggie,
I have been married 40 years, and now know I have been co-dependent. The narcissistic abuse has been there from the beginning. 10 years ago I knew I could not survive the nightmarish covert abuse. Silent Treatment/Love-bombing cycles have been his tool of manipulation. As I educated myself and found my voice, the abuse escalated to threats and extreme verbal abuse and insults. The latest attack was physical. This is all done covertly, while putting on a perfect image of kind, caring, amazing, person to the world, and even our adult children, so much so that nobody believes me.
He vehemently denies any such abuse, which causes extreme cognitive dissonance, anxiety which escalates to physical symptoms.
I summonsed him for divorce 1 year ago and he has managed to drag out, and even deny this reality. This extreme situation inspired me to study for my Psychology degree, and now am 3rd year. I plan to specialize in Abnormal Behaviour and Narcissistic abuse.
Having just come across your website, I am so inspired by your beautiful site, and information.
I’m still trapped in this abusive marraige, and determined to finalise an exit this year which I am going to pay dearly for, financially and emotionally.
Thank you for your inspiration!
Maggie, you are amazing! I love your work. Thank you sooo much!!
From a gorgoeus one:)
Thank you Maggie! Your posts are incredibly spot on.
To anyone and everyone who may read this I just want to say that you’ve got this. You really do. You are a phenomenal person and it is all totally within your personal power, and you do have power. You can not control them but you can control yourself. You can move into freedom.
I have a very long personal story which I will spare you from the details of however, I will tell you that I have been subjected to every known narcissistic abuse tactic; sexual, financial, physical, emotional, psychological, mental, you name it, I’ve experienced it. What I have come to learn is that the bigger you become, the smaller they become. Make a plan. Stick to it no matter what form of abuse is thrown at you. Recognize it for what it is. Do not believe the lies or the manipulation because it is intended only to serve them. Believe in yourself. You are a beautiful, extraordinary, fantastic person otherwise the abuser wouldn’t have chosen you. You have so many gifts. You have so many talents. You are extraordinary. Believe it.